Five Lessons From Biblical Counseling Training
A couple months ago, I went through a biblical counseling training, which continues to fill up the hole in my holiness. I learned tons from the training, but wanted to share my top five takeaways. I hope they are helpful to you, too!
1. “Jesus Christ and Him crucified” is the center of biblical life.
Since becoming a Christian, I always knew that Jesus was supposed to be the center of my life. But this truth has often been sadly buried. This training helped bring this emphasis back into my understanding of biblical counseling—indeed, my understanding of life.
Now I know that biblical counseling proclaims, "Behold your God!" If Christ and His gospel are not the emphasis of sanctification and if the Holy Spirit is not empowering our spiritual growth, then we fall into all sorts of danger. Hebrews 12 commands us to "run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of faith.” If we run without our eyes on the Savior, where exactly are we running to, and why? The slide into moralism is all too slippery.
Through the training, “Christ and Him crucified” again became my center. Jesus and His death, burial, and resurrection are once again more relevant to my daily life than any other person, than any other thing.
2. “Love” includes gentleness, kindness, tenderness, and graciousness
In my past experience, love was mainly expressed through tough love, especially tough words. Often it would be rationalized, "I am loving this person by telling him the truth, because I want what God wants for him." Ever since the training, I've said, "That is a good motivation. But have you considered whether the person will actually feel loved? Love is first patient, and then kind (1 Cor 13:4). How can you grow in those ways specifically?"
I am naturally not gentle, kind, tender, or gracious. It took years of the Lord working in me to actually become aware of this. By the Lord's grace I have been refined; yet I still need so much work. Bringing this gentle love into biblical counseling was another breakthrough in His efforts to make me more like the Humble Shepherd.
3. Relationships are the rails upon which all truth must come.
In my years as a Christian, I have seen many people confronted about their sin. Sadly, many of those times ended poorly, usually with the confronted person somehow fleeing from the situation. The times when I have seen confronting sin go well and lead to Spirit-empowered repentance has almost always been between Christians who would consider themselves good friends. I have often been told, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend" (Prov 27:6) as justification for saying hard things. But now I see that in order for the hearer to believe this, the speaker must be, well, a friend; otherwise, the wounds just hurt.
Through the training, I came to understand that biblical counseling is better defined as “intense biblical friendship and discipleship, as counselor(s) walk alongside a counselee through his sin and suffering, to help him behold Jesus Christ as both perfectly sufficient and ultimately satisfying in every trial and temptation, repent of his unrighteousness and the idols of his heart, and put on the righteousness of Christ according to the commands of Scripture, so that God would be glorified in his heart, his relationships, and indeed his entire life.”
Before this training, I did not understand how crucial relational capital is; the counselor must give reasons for the counselee to trust him, or else counseling will be devastatingly difficult! I've never before seen friendship being cultivated in the counseling room, but I’m hoping to—soon!
4. The paradigm of people as saint, sinner, and sufferer led me to graciousness.
This paradigm teaches that we ought to always view a person through at least three separate lenses:
- As a saint: Only applicable if they are a professing believer. If they are not, then they should be viewed as an image bearer of God. Basically, this means being reminded of their identity, worth, and strength in God. It also teaches me to be thankful for the evidences of God’s [common or redemptive] grace in their life, no matter their situation.
- As a sinner: All people are sinners, all of the time, for we all have fallen short of the glory of God. This means that I clearly see the offense that they have committed against God and others, and this compels me to bring the truth of Scripture to show him his sin. Sin always demands repentance and reconciliation. Scripture teaches that we ought to put off unrighteousness and put on righteousness for the glory of Jesus Christ.
- As a sufferer: Because we live in a sin-cursed world, we are all sinned against. Many times, counselees are both sinners and victims, and their situations are truly difficult. There are often circumstantial reasons that give context to—but do not excuse—their sin. This teaches me to be compassionate, weep with those who weep, and try to love him by listening to his story, meeting his needs, and praying for God to comfort him.[1]
This paradigm has helped me understand people as much more complex than just "good" or "bad". It has also helped me to more accurately process how I ought to love those who have sinned against me or others: to be genuinely thankful for the good that they do, to hate their sin and its devastating effects, and to have compassion and empathy towards their pain. Ultimately, the paradigm teaches me to be more gracious towards all men. After all, God loved me while I was yet a sinner; because He loved me first, do I not owe the same to my fellow sinners?
5. "Love, Know, Speak, Do" paradigm gave me renewed hope for relationships
In his book, Paul Tripp elaborates on this paradigm:
- “Love highlights the importance of relationships in the process of change. … we are called to build strong relationships with others.”[2]
- “Know has to do with really getting acquainted … When you assume you know someone, you won’t ask the critical questions you need to ask to get below the surface. … Knowing a person means knowing their heart. … you know more about her beliefs and goals, her hopes and dreams, her values and desires.”[3]
- “Speak involves bringing God’s truth to bear on this person in this situation. … Speaking the truth in love does not mean making grand pronouncements. It means helping your friend to see her life clearly. For lasting change to take place, your friend must see herself in the mirror of God’s Word. She also needs to see God and the resources for change that he has provided in Christ."[4]
- Do: “Finally you must help your friend … to apply the insights God has given to her daily life and relationships. … God calls your friend not just to be a hearer of his Word, but an active doer of it as well.”[5]
In the past several weeks, the Lord has brought me into several conversations with my friends about their sinning parents, about living out Holy Spirit-empowered sanctification, and about finding personal identity in Christ and not in work or achievements. The Love, Know, Speak, Do paradigm was extraordinarily helpful, even in informal conversations. I felt free to listen, to empathize, and to grieve, even while encouraging and praying with them to do what the Scriptures say. I saw how good questions—let’s be honest, my mediocre ones—helped us both discover what really was causing them to be anxious, to be discouraged, to be disengaged.
This simple structure has renewed my hope for the good that God can do through biblical friendships. I am hopeful that with the Lord's help, and lots of practice, I can grow to be a better friend and a more patient counselor!
As you can tell, I’m quite excited about biblical counseling. If you’d like to share your takeaways, thoughts, or experiences, too, I’d love to chat!
[1]: Michael Emlet has written a two part-article about this paradigm. See here for part 1 and here for part 2.
[2]: Tripp, Paul David. Instruments in the Redeemers Hands: People in Need of Change Helping People in Need of Change. Phillipsburg, NJ: P & R Pub., 2002, 110.
[3]: Ibid, 111.
[4]: Ibid, 111–112.
[5]: Ibid, 112.